now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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