I accidentally burped into my bong.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
