bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
