that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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