so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
