I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize