Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
