shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize