forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
