It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
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Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
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I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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