I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
