he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
