someone threw a dead crab at me
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
this boner is exhausting
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
