everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
