there was a trapeze. enough said
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
