Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
