My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
