I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
