Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
