what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
