I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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