I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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