remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
