did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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