why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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