He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You ruined the universe
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
