Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
