I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Randomize