she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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