No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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