Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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