i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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