If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
