Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
