You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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