My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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