Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize