saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I cannot find my penis.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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