Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
