My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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