You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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