you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
