You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
