My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
