I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
