The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
