i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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