ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
