I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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