her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
