U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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