I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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