just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
