I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
