I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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