I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
