Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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